


The Great Garrison DILF Argument

by bannedfrompencils



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angry Pigeon, Canon Compliant, Crack, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Gen, I overuse italics, Keith needs to chill, Matt Holt's nerdy ass was definitely one of the Cool Kids, Pidge is very protective of her big brother, Shiro and Keith are so brotherly it hurts, Team Bonding, ish, mild swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-28 00:35:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10059398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bannedfrompencils/pseuds/bannedfrompencils
Summary: While using their downtime for some team bonding (aka a gossip session), the paladins unlocked some of Shiro's backstory. This is the aftermath.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Wow. The first complete thing I've written in years, and it's the dumbest crack fic I could come up with. Figures.
> 
> Warning: Shiro and Keith do roughhouse during this, the way siblings/old friends tend to do. No one is hurt and it is all in good fun; however if that's not something you'd enjoy, it might be advisable to skip reading this.

“Wait,” said Pidge from her spot on the common room couch with the rest of the paladins. Her voice was somewhere between apprehensive and suspicious, and Shiro was immediately wary about the whole situation. “You can’t be the secret boyfriend Matt had before he left Earth.”

Shiro blinked, unintentionally leaning back, shocked into silence. It was Lance who replied in his place.

“Why not?!”

“Because Matt’s secret boyfriend teased him about our Dad being—being hot, which Shiro would never do.” There was a beat of silence as Shiro felt his cheeks grow warm, before Keith burst into laughter. _“Right Shiro?”_ Pidge demanded, her tone making Shiro move away from her on purpose this time.

“Wait–” Keith gasped out in between sobs of laughter. “The guy who–”

“Keith–” interrupted Shiro.

“Who you made so mad–”

“Keith, _please stop_ –”

“And got into a big fight with because you said–”

Shiro dived at Keith, both hands going for his mouth, trying to shut him up. But Keith must have known it was coming because he jumped off the couch and dodged, got behind Shiro long enough to finish talking, his words coming out in a jumbled rush. “The guy who’s dad you called a DILF was _Matt fucking Holt!”_ Keith was pinned on the ground by the time he’d gotten the last three words out, but it was so worth it. Shiro was blushing harder than Keith had seen since before the Kerberos mission, and Lance’s eyes were getting very big, and Pidge looked absolutely murderous, and even with Shiro’s prosthetic hand covering his mouth everyone could hear Keith cackling.

“Hold up!” shouted Lance, presumably to be heard over Keith (who was still laughing like a maniac, honestly, once that boy got started he would not stop) but probably just because he was excited. “The Great Garrison DILF Argument was you guys?!”

“Man, we were only freshmen, but everyone was talking about that!” Hunk added.

“Yes, I do actually remember that,” Shiro groaned from his spot on the floor next to Keith, forehead pressed into his left hand.

“What do you mean everyone was talking about it?”

All the paladins turned in unison to Pidge, Keith’s giggles finally slowing down to gasps for air as he pushed Shiro’s hand away from his face. Pidge was looking slightly _(slightly)_ less murderous, the anger in her features replaced with a more put-out look as everyone simultaneously remembered that of course, she would have been nowhere near the Garrison back then.

“Okay, so, you know that Garrison Confessions thing? Where you can anonymously post stuff about life in the Garrison?” Hunk asked, voice and body language in full Story Telling Mode.

Lance spoke up before Pidge had a chance to reply. “Oh yeah, Pidge posted stuff about me on there all the time!”

Both Pidge and Hunk turned to him. “You knew those were me? You knew those were about you?!” asked Pidge, sounding scandalized.

“Yeah, was I not supposed to? You’re not that subtle, you know.”

“Anyway!” interjected Hunk. “So, late winter of Lance’s and my freshman year. Someone makes a confession–”

“It was Nina,” Shiro said, and Pidge groaned.

“Of course it was.”

“Who’s Nina?” Keith asked Shiro.

“One of Matt’s friends. I think you met her at a party once?”

Keith winced. “The one with the voice?”

“That would be the one,” Pidge confirmed dryly as Shiro chuckled. “So what did she confess?”

“Right!” said Hunk, who (with Lance) had gotten distracted by the exchange between the other three paladins.

Lance grinned and picked up the story, easily telling it along with Hunk. “One evening this confession pops up, something about a lover’s spat–”

“It said ‘when you have to track down your best friend’s boyfriend for him cuz they got into a fight’” Hunk clarified. Shiro groaned again.

“Yeah! And we’re bored students, we’re always looking for drama, so naturally someone asks what happened—they got the best answer of all time.”

“It just says ‘bff’s boyfriend called bff’s dad a DILF. if you were in south wing last night, that’s what the screaming was about’.”

Keith started laughing again.

“He was so mad, you have no idea—I had nightmares about it! Seriously! I didn’t know Matt could even be that loud!” Shiro said, making Keith laugh harder.

Pidge nodded solemnly. “Yeah, he gets like that when he’s angry. Not that I blame him in this case.”

Shiro’s blush returned with a vengeance. “It was a joke!”

“It was legendary!” countered Lance. “The memes alone!”

“I can’t believe your crazy not-boyfriend was Matt Holt!” Keith had tears in his eyes. Hunk was giving him a worried look.

“Me neither, actually,” said Pidge. “You are way out of his league.”

Shiro turned to Pidge. Keith snorted. Actually, literally snort-laughed. Lance stared at him.

“You think _I’m_ out of _his_ league?!” Shiro gaped. “Matt Holt. Scientist and astronaut extraordinaire. The youngest researcher to ever go on an exploratory mission.”

“Well, yeah. My brother’s a giant nerd.”

“I’m sorry, have you met Shiro?” blurted Keith, who then got pushed over by the paladin in question.

“Yeah, but he’s like...” Pidge gestured at Shiro. “A _cool_ nerd.”

“Thank you?” said Shiro.

“You mean a hipster dork,” said Keith at the same time.

“I’m not that hipster.”

“I’ve seen you wear three mismatched floral patterns at once.”

“Like your emo ass can talk.”

“He’s got you there,” said Pidge, while Lance and Hunk nodded in agreement.

“So now you’re on his side?!” exclaimed Keith. “And after he called your dad a DILF...”

 _“It was a joke!”_ repeated Shiro.

“But my dad is so old!” said Pidge.

“Everyone thinks their parents are old,” said Lance.

“Still!” said Pidge. “Why would you even joke about that?!”

“Well, Matt was going on about how embarrassing it was to have to train with his dad for Kerberos, you know, the three of us going to the gym together and stuff—”

Keith snort-laughed again. A faint “oh no” was heard from Hunk, who looked like he was getting ready to hold Pidge back from a fistfight. Frankly everyone’s money was on her.

“Wow, I _so_ do _not_ need to hear about how you ogled my dad at the gym, _holy fuck_ , I am leaving right now, goodbye.” True to her word, Pidge got up and spun on her heel, walking out of the room while loudly muttering something about “damn hipster corrupting my poor precious brother.”

Everyone watched her leave before turning to Shiro again, who looked like he wouldn’t really mind taking a walk into space right about then. There was a single beat of silence before Keith spoke up.

“There is no way you were the one doing the ‘corrupting’ in that relationship.”

“Holy shit, Matt is _so_ kinky.”

**Author's Note:**

> Reviews are appreciated! This is my first time using AO3 as an author, so any tips with rating, tags, or anything else are also welcome.
> 
> I might one day write a (slightly) more serious prequel to this, depending on whether there's interest and how many other things I get distracted by. We'll see.


End file.
